The Dismal State of the Adverb

Back in 1997 my beloved Apple Computers started a new advertising campaign with the unfortunate tag line, “Think Different.” Because of its abandonment of the adverbial case, the slogan’s meaning became completely absurd – were we, the users, really supposed to spend our time thinking of the word different? How would this move us ahead or lend us insight? And frankly, I get really bored thinking the same thing over, and over and over again.

Unfortunately, this wholesale rejection of the adverb is becoming comically common, and often in the hands of advertisers. Outback Steakhouse, the home of the nation’s least healthy appetizer, the Blooming Onion (787 glorious, deep-fried calories) recently unrolled its new and disturbing motto, “Live Adventurous.” Since live is a verb I just don’t know how to do it adjectivally. Does Outback want me to live adventurously, and if so, shouldn’t the advertisement have just said that? Or do the powers-that-be at the Steakhouse want me to move some place called Adventurous (much as Nancy Botwin of Weeds lived in Agrestic – which means rural and rustic).

Foolish me, I was under the impression that the purpose of language was communication, not utter confusion.

Of course in this age of anything-goes language, nouns -- the simplest type of word in the English language -- are suffering as well. Syfy -- which used to be the SciFi Network but wants to distant itself from its hopelessly geeky roots – now uses the phrase “Imagine Greater.” Greater what? Greater size? I am trying to lose weight, not gain it. Greater and more interesting programming than they currently air? Greater profits? Should I just stand around imagining the word greater? I am completely stymied. Similarly unable to link verb and noun is AT&T. The former baby Bells have banded together to come up with, "Rethink Possible." Possible what? Possible service that isn't overpriced and is efficient? Or a world in which the iPhone is universally available?

So much about modern language irks me. I have long been irritable at the creation of unnecessary verbs from perfectly clear nouns – like the word tasking -- assigning tasks apparently takes too long to say. But this complete misuse of verb modifications and the current disavowal of the noun is just going to lead to chaos. No doubt, if the preamble to the Constitution were written today it would read, "In order to form more perfect" -- without any punctuation.

But precision is no longer of interest in our great world of media. Friends and plebiscite writers keep saying that readers can figure out what such phrases mean, so using correct language is unnecessary, trivial and nitpicky. They further add that later, no one will care if such phrases and articles are written vaguely and incorrectly. Because in this day and age, with our plethora of communications portals, all writing and thought is transient and temporary. No one writes for the ages, for permanence and for a place in thought. We live in a universe where the written word comes with a complete lack of certitude, into a future of miasmic communication in which “like” and “you know” will precede every statement of conviction or coherence. So like, consider clear.